CLASE DE
HISTORIA
Un niño japonés llega a USA. Es el primer día de clases y la
maestra presenta a
Susuki, hijo de un empresario japonés, a los chicos de sexto
grado.
La maestra les dice: 'Empecemos repasando un poco de historia
americana.
- Quien dijo 'Denme la libertad o denme la muerte?'
La clase se queda callada, excepto por Susuki: - Lo dijo Patrick
Henry, 1775.
- 'Muy Bien! Quien dijo 'El gobierno del pueblo, para el pueblo
no
debe desaparecer de la faz de la tierra'. De nuevo, ninguna
respuesta de la
clase, salvo Susuki: - 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.
La maestra, asombrada, les dice: - 'Chicos, debería darles
vergüenza. Susuki, que es nuevo en nuestro país, y sabe más de
nuestra historia
que ustedes'.
La maestra alcanza a escuchar un susurro: 'a la mierda con los
malditos japoneses!'.
-¿Quién dijo eso? Pregunta la maestra. Nuevamente Susuki levanta
su mano y dice:
'General McArthur, 1942 y Lee Iacocca, 1982'.
La clase queda muda y uno de los chicos alcanza a decir: 'Voy a
vomitar'.
La maestra trata de ver quien fue el irrespetuoso: - 'Ya está
bien,
quien dijo eso?' Y Susuki dice: - 'George Bush padre, al Primer
ministro
japonés, 1991'
Uno de los alumnos, furioso, le grita al japonés desde el fondo:
-'¡Chupame esta!'.
Susuki, casi saltando en su silla, le dice a la maestra: - 'Bill
Clinton a Monica Lewinsky. 1997'
La clase entra en un estado de histeria. La maestra se desmaya,
cunde el caos.
Mientras los chicos se arremolinan alrededor de la desvanecida
maestra, uno de ellos exclama: - 'Mierda, y ahora ¿cómo salimos
de
esta?...' y Susuki responde: -' George W. Bush, inmediatamente
después de la
invasión de Irak, 2003.
Por último un niño encachimbado por la tanta participación del
japonés gri ta.
¿Por que no te callas? Y Susuki responde: -Juan Carlos, rey de
España a Hugo
Chavez, en Santiago de Chile, 10 de noviembre de 2007.
CLASES DE ORGASMOS
1. Asmatica: !ahh...ahhh...ahhh!
2. Geografica: !Aqui, aqui, aqui, aqui!
3 Matematica: !Mas, mas, mas, mas !
4. Religiosa: !Ay Dios mio, ay Dios mio!
5. Suicida: !Me muero, me muero!
6. Homicida: Si paras ahora, !Te mato !
7. Zootecnista: !Venga mi macho, venga!
8. Porrista: !Dale...dale...dale!
9. Profesora de ingles: Oh... yes,
oh...good...
10. Tipo Proyecto Uno: !No pares! !Sigue,
sigue!...!No pares!
11. Negativa: !Nooo, noooo!
12.Positiva: !Si...si...si!
13. Profesora: Si...eso..por ahi...muy
bien...correcto...perfecto!
14. Desinformada: ?Que es esto?... ?Por
que?... ?Que me haces?
15. Analista de sistemas: OK. El proceso
ha finalizado con exito.
16. Clarividente: Lo siento venir... ya
casi viene... lo veo, lo veo
17. El Orgasmo falso : "!Ay! !Ay! !Bajate
ya!"
18. El Orgasmo confuso: "Oh si, oh No, Oh
Dios.."
19. El orgasmo Beisbolista: "!Me voy, me
voooy, me fui!"
20. El orgasmo profetico: "!Me vengo; me
vengoooo!!!"
Sum Ting Wong
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The
next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a
lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, white baby
boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?" The
puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two
Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him... Are
you ready for this??? are you sure you are ready??
Well....here it comes... Sum Ting Wong
Subject: "Lexus"
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the
most beautiful, perfect "loaded" Lexus - and walked over to
inspect it closer.As she bent forward to feel the fine leather
upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped
her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if
anyone had noticed. There standing behind her was a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may
we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication
and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and
asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still
smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say
that if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit when you
hear the price.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told
us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large"
enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said
that we had the largest one Sears made at that time a 1/2
horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4
horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said,
"NO, it's not." Four is larger than two. We haven't used Sears
repair since.
______________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal of
the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer
are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good
place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman , KS
____________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He
said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg. He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City !
______________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge. To which I replied, "If it was without my
knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded,
"That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker
of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained
that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she
responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
_________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was
leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented
cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not
another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with
that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas
Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual
who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of
her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn
on.
A deputy with the Dallas
County Sheriffs office no less.
___________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I
arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were
told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was
unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open! His
reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford
dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
___________________________________________
STAY ALERT! They walk
among us .. and they REPRODUCE!
A Bad Day
A little guy is sitting at the
bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big
trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps
it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.
'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says.
'I didn't think you'd cry'. 'I can't stand to see a man
crying'.
'This is the worst day of my life', says the little guy between
sobs. 'I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an
important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I
left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with
the gardener, and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying
to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then
you show up and drink my damn poison'. --
WHEN I SAY
I'M BROKE,
I'M BROKE!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest
in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away,' said the old lady. 'I
haven't got any money, I'm broke!' As she proceeded to close the
door, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide
open. 'Don't be too hasty,' he said. 'Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of
horse manure on to her hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the
remainder. The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've
got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity
this morning.'
What part of broke do you not understand?
Subject:
Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very
distraught over the fact that she had not had a date
or
any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might
have something wrong with her so she decided to seek the
medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off
all your
crose."
The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to
odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy
bad. You
haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever
see. Dat why you not haf sex or
dates."
The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang,
what is Ed Zachary
Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary
Disease is when your face
look Ed Zachary like your ass"
4 Animals
A
teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of
life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and
said,
"All I want out of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really, and what four
little animals would that be sugar?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back,
a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in my bed
and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay
for all of it."
The teacher fainted.
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find
ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well,
thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual
way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had
one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were
living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known
as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with
a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Anécdota de
un ¿fiel?::: "segurito" no era un Nica.
Yo estaba muy
feliz. Mi novia y yo habiamos andado por mas de un año, y decidimos
casarnos. Mis padres nos ayudaron en toda forma posible, mis amigos me
apoyaban. Y mi novia era un sueño.
Solo habia una cosa que me molestaba mucho, y era la mejor amiga de ella.
Era inteligente y sexy, y a veces flirteaba conmigo, lo que me consternaba.
Un día, la amiga de mi novia me hablo por teléfono y me pidió que fuera
a su casa a ayudarle con la lista de los invitados a la boda. Así que fui
para allá. Ella estaba sola, y cuando llegue, me susurró que, ya que me
iba a casar con su mejor amiga, y tomando en cuenta que ella tenia ciertos
sentimientos y deseos hacia mi persona, y que ya no podía aguantarse mas,
y que antes que me casara y comprometiera mi vida a su mejor amiga, quería
hacer conmigo el amor una sola vez. ¿¿¿¿¿¿Que podía decir???????????
Estaba
totalmente sorprendido, y no pude decir palabra. Así que me dijo:
"Iré al cuarto, y si tu lo deseas, entra y me tendrás."Admire
su maravilloso trasero mecerse al subir las escaleras. Me levante del sillón
y estuve así, de pie, por un momento. Me di vuelta y fui a la puerta
principal, la cual abrí, y salí a
la calle, me dirigía a mi carro.
Mi novia estaba afuera!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Con lagrimas en sus ojos, me abrazo y me dijo: "Estoy muy feliz y
orgullosa de ti. Has pasado mi pequeña prueba. No podía tener a un mejor
hombre como esposo!"
Moraleja:
Siempre deja tus condones en el carro.
Chistesito Panameno
La profesora interviene en una discusión entre dos Alumnos:
Luisito, ¿cuál es el problema?
-Es que soy demasiado inteligente para estar en primer grado.
Mi primo está en tercero y yo soy más inteligente que él ¡Yo quiero ir
a tercero también!
La profesora ve que no puede resolver el problema y lo
manda para la dirección.
Mientras Luisito esperaba en la antesala, la profesora le explica la
situación al director.
Éste le promete hacerle un test al muchacho, que seguro no conseguirá
responder a todas las preguntas, y así accederá a continuar en primer
grado.
Ya de acuerdo ambos, hacen pasar al alumno y le hacen la propuesta del
test que él acepta.
Inicia entonces las preguntas el Director:
-A ver Luisito, ¿Cuánto es 3 por 3?
- "9",
Director: ¿Y cuánto es 6 veces 6?
- "36",
El director continúa por más de una hora, con la batería de preguntas
que
sólo un excelente alumno de tercer grado debe conocer y Luisito no comete
ningún error.
Ante la evidente inteligencia del menor, el Director
dice a la profesora:
-Creo que tendremos que pasarlo al tercer grado.
La profesora no muy segura y en una actitud típica de
maestra del Normal,"Yo a este *** lo voy a quedar", y dice:
-¿Puedo hacerle yo unas preguntas también?
El director y Luisito asienten.
Inicia entonces la profesora:
-¿Qué tiene la vaca 4 y yo sólo dos?
-Las piernas, responde Luisito sin dudar...
-¿Qué tienes en tus pantalones, que no hay en los
míos?
El director se ajusta los lentes, y se prepara para
interrumpir.
-Los bolsillos, responde el niño.
-¿Qué entra en el centro de las mujeres y sólo detrás
del hombre?
Estupefacto, el director contiene la respiración...
-La letra "E", responde el alumno.
-¿Y dónde las mujeres tienen el pelo más enrulado?
El director hace una mueca de asombro.
-En Africa, responde Luisito sin dudar.
-¿Qué es blando, y en las manos de una mujer se vuelve
duro?
Al director se le cruzan los ojos.
-El esmalte de uñas, profe... contesta Luisito.
-¿Qué tienen las mujeres en medio de las piernas?
El Director no lo puede creer... y ya estaba re
loco...
-Las rodillas, responde Luisito al instante.
¿Y qué tiene una mujer casada y madre más ancha que una soltera?
La cama, Profesora.
-¿Qué palabra comienza con la letra C, termina con la letra O, y todos
lo tenemos atrás?
El director empieza a sudar frío... y está que no da más...
El codo, profesora.
¿Y qué empieza con C, tiene un hueco y yo se lo di a varias personas
para que lo gozaran?
El director se tapa la cara... y se pega la cabeza contra el escritorio...
Un CD!
El director, ya mareado de la presión los interrumpe y le dice a la
profesora...
Mire, ponga a este mocoso en la universidad... ¡Yo mismo acabo de fallar
todas las respuestas!
December 2006
How Jamaican Love to Chat
You see how Jamaicans can chat?
That's how them mouth always
put them in trouble.
Three death row inmates-an American, a Japanese and a Jamaican-were about
to be sent to the electric chair.
The American got strapped in and was asked if he had any last words.
He said "No"; they pressed the button-nothing happened, so he
was set free (Apparently if the state tries to execute someone and
"has technical difficulties" during the process and it doesn't
happen, the person is set free).
The Japanese got strapped in and was asked if he had any last words.
He said "No" they pressed the button-nothing happened, so he was
set free.
The Jamaican got strapped in and was asked if he had any last words.
He said "Yah man, you don't see the ting no plug in!
December 2006
Jamaican Babu
Ramsingh and Dolly were married
for many years even though they hated each other. When they had a
confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard late into the night.
The old man would shout,
"When I dead, so help meh, I go dig meh way up and outa de grave and
come back and haunt you for de ress a yuh life!"
Neighbors feared him. They
believed he practiced some kinda obeah because of the many strange
occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
Ramsingh liked the fact that he
was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack. Dolly had a
closed casket at the wake.
After the burial she went
straight to the beer garden and began to party as if there was no
tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety asked,
"Dolly, gyal you aint fraid
Ramsingh gon dig e way up and outa de grave and come back to haunt you for
the rest a yuh life?"
Dolly put down the Carib and
said, "Yuh tink I chupid or what? Leh him dig nuh....ah bury he rass
upside down."
CHEATING, LYING HUSBAND
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of
paper in
your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she
replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name
of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there
was a
good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when
she walked
up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet,
which
knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What in the world
was that for?
"She replied, "Your horse called."
Priorities
An old lady was standing at the railing of the
cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would
not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward
but did you know that your dress is blowing up in
this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not
wearing any panties and your privates are
exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the
man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
El Mago
Un
mago subió a un autobús que iba llenísimo a una hora pico y
quiso entretener a la gente con sus trucos.
¡Señoras y señores! -gritaba- ¡Muy buenas tardes!
Nadie le hacía caso y el pobre hombre había sacado de la nada un
ramo de flores.
Enfadado porque nadie le hacía caso, les anuncia:
"¡Voy a hacer que se eleve este autobús...1, 2, 3!"
Y entonces el autobús se eleva.
Toda la gente asustada le grita:
¡Bájalo, bájalo, por favor!
¡Ahhhh!, ¿no creían que hacía magia, eh?
Si quieren que baje el autobús, soplen todos.
Toda la gente empezó a soplar y el autobús empezó a bajar.
La gente estaba emocionada y entonces le pidieron otro truco al
mago.Éste les dijo:
¡Voy a hacer que a ese viejito que va con su esposa se le pare el
miembro...1,2, 3!
¡Y ZASSS!, La cosa se le paró al viejito y los pasajeros al unísono
exclamaron:
¡OHHH!
Entonces se oye la voz de la viejita que grita:
¡AL PRIMER HIJUEPUTA QUE SOPLE LE CAIGO A PATADAS!
QUIEN
ES EL CULPABLE
Un hombre y una mujer dormían plácida y profundamente como bebés inocentes.
De pronto, como a eso de las 3 de la mañana, se escuchan ruidos fuera....
La mujer se sobresalta y completamente espantada, le dice al hombre:
Mierda, ese debe ser mi marido!
El tipo se levanta espantadísimo y desnudo, salta como loco por la ventana,
se saca la mierda contra el piso, cae sobre una enredadera con espinas,
todo golpeado se pone de pie, y desnudo empieza a correr hacia su carro.
A los pocos minutos regresa y le dice:
Hija de la gran p……ta... Si tu marido soy yo!!!
Y la mujer le contesta:
Y tú por que mierda corres.... !!!!!
A
couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in
Montego Bay, Jamaica.
Their
domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a
peaceful & loving couple".
The
local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and
happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in
America," explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon in
Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse.
We
hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.
My
wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We
proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time
causing
her to drop her water.
Once
more my wife quietly said, "That's twice.
"We
hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time.
My
wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I
shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
poor animal like that?
Are
you crazy??"
She
looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
"And
from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."
LA
ASAMBLEA NICA
Van
pasando dos nicas cerca de la Asamblea Nacional en
Managua
y de repente oyen gritos:
¡ASESINO!
¡LADRON!
¡ARRASTRADO!
¡LAME
CULO!
¡CEPILLO!
¡MARICON!
¡DEGENERADO!
¡CHIVO
DE MIERDA!
¡METE
CUENTO!
¡VIEJO
CHANCHO!
¡ARRIBISTA!
¡PANCISTA!
¡MOCLIN!
¡SINVERGUENZA!
¡CABRON!
¡DESCARADO!
Entonces
le dice el uno al otro, oílos, se están turquiando, ya se armó el
cachimbeo, el otro le dice:
"No
seas caballo, ¿Qué no ves que están pasando lista?"
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one
Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He
told the jeweller he was
looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000
ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't
think you understand, I want
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and
brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at
only $40,000," the jeweller
said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body
trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said,
"We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man
stated by check. " I know you need to make sure the
check is good, so I'll write
now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and
I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine
the weekend I had?"
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual
check-up.
never felt
better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my
child.
What
do you think about that?"
The
doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have
an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never
misses
a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a
hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
When
he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream
of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots
rang
out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The
80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds
into that beaver."
The
doctor replied, "My point exactly."
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL
YOURS???"
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having
heard that
question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."
All the children rush to find seats. "Well," says the
social worker,
"then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's
names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one,
through the
oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the
eldest
girl, named Leighroy!
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern
here. Are they
ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it
easier.
When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell,
'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes
arunnin.'
An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just
yell
'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'
them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead
and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come,
and not
the whole bunch?"
"I call them by their last names.
May God Bless You
Kathleen
A
Jamaican walks into a bar in
Miami
, orders three Red Stripe beers and sits in the back of the room, drinking
a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and says, "You know, a beer goes flat after
I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Jamaican replies, "Well, you see, mi have two bredda. One inna
Toronto
,
the other a
London
, and mi deya a
Miami
. When we all left home, we promised fi drink this way to remember the
days when we drank in
Jamaica
. So mi drink one for each ah meh bredda and one for meh self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice Jamaican custom, and leaves it
there.
The Jamaican becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:
he orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars
take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your
grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Jamaican looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye
and he laughs. "Oh, no, no, everyone's fine," he explains,"
It's just that I became a Christian, and I personally had to stop
drinking."
Posted July 15, 2005
A DAY AT THE RODEO:
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the bull
breeding exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign
attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The
wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50
times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband
a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could
learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The
wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,
"That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
one." The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him
if it was with the same cow."
Posted July 15, 2005
Genious old couple
A
Florida
couple, both age 79, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked,
"What can I do for you?"
The
man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The
doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When
the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the
way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.
This
happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally
the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find
out?"
The
old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The
Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50,
and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Posted July 15, 2005
An
old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the
bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, blue, and
yellow. The old man just stared.
Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring.
The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old
timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied , "Got drunk once and had
sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son. "
Posted July 15, 2005
IMMIGRATION TEST"
Pedro was trying to get into the U.S.
legally through immigration.
The officer said "Pedro, you have passed
all the tests, except there is one more test.
Unless you pass it you cannot
enter the U.S.
Pedro said, "I am ready."
The officer said "Make a sentence using the
words yellow, pink and green.
Pedro thought for a few minutes and said"
Mister Office, I am ready."
The officer said "Go ahead."
Pedro said "The telephone goes
green, green, green, and I pink it
up and say Yellow, this is Pedro."
Needless to say, Pedro now lives in a
neighborhood near you.
Posted 5/19/05
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL
YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma
sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says,
"Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to
sign up.
I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker
raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all
boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named
Leighroy!"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a
pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?
" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is
time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes
arunnin.'
An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just
yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had,
namin' them all Leroy."The social worker thinks this over for a bit,
then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you
just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"I call them by their last names.
Posted 3/14/05
A laugh on Monday is always welcomed.
Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the
baby was born
without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital,
Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a
talk with him and
explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so
much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said
the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they
came back
home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and
beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful
eyes." "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so
thankful; the Doctor said he will
have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz
he'd be sh_t outta luck if he needed glasses."
posted 3/14/05
After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to
have left my wallet At home. "I will have to go home and come back
later."
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I
opened my shirt, revealing my curly silver hair.She says, "That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed
my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the
social security office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You
might have
gotten disability too.
Jamaican Court Priceless
A Jamaican country prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the
stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman - Miss Ivy.
He approached her and asked, Miss. Ivy, do you know me?
She responded, Why, yes me kno yuh Mista Williams. Me know yuh since
yuh a young bwoy an quite frankly, yuh a one big disappointment. Yuh lie,
yuh use to tief bokkle and bruk people shap;yuh ge yuh wife bun, yuh
manipulate people an talk su su pan dem behine dem bak. Yuh tink say yuh a
big shat, an yuh noh kno say yuh a go come to nothin. Dat fool, fool
brains yuh ave mek yuh a two-bit paper pusha. Yes, me kno yuh - you liad
good fe notin.
The lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what to do, he pointed across the room and asked, Miss Ivy,
do you know the defense attorney?
She again replied, Why, yes me do. Me know Mista Bradley since him was
a byoy, too. Me use to put on him nappy when him piss it up. An him too is
a reel disappoinment. Him lazy, him a batty mon, him a drunk areaddy. an
him caan bild a normal relationship with woman-cause a batty mon sinting.
Him law practice is de wos inna de entiya Parish. Not fe mention him cheat
pan him wife with three different man. Him ongle marry dat nice lady cause
him no waan people fe know say him like mon. Yes me know 'im.
The defense attorney was also surprised and shocked.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both
counselors to the bench and in a very quiet voice said, if any a oonu ask
har if she know me, oonu a go a jail fe contemp.
Two Old Ladies
In a small town , the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he
was
checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a
used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ...
so we're just waiting.
JAMAICAN JOKES
Nuh Ramp Wid Yardie Breakfast Conversation - Jamaican
And A Trini (Trinidadian)
A Jamaican is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissant, bread,
butter and jam when a Trini man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The
Jamaican ignores the Trini who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:
Trini: "You Jamaican folk eat the whole bread??
" Jamaican: (in a bad mood): "Of course.
" Trini: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Trinidad,
we only eat what's inside. The crusts, we collect in a container, recycle
it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the Jamaicans."
The Trini has a smirk on his face. The Jamaican listens in silence. The
Trini persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
The Jamaican: "Of course." Trini: (cracking his gum between his
teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Trinidad we eat fresh fruit for
breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers,
recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the
Jamaicans."
The Jamaican then asks: "Do you have sex in Trinidad?"
Trini: "Why of course we do", the Trini says with a big
smirk.
Jamaican: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?
" Trini: "We throw them away, of course.
" Jamaican: "We don't. In Jamaica, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to
Trinidad."
Only A. Jamaican....
There were three men from the Caribbean living together in London; a
Trinidadian, a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving because they
didn't have money to buy food. However, upon coming close to a posh
restaurant they came up with a plan.
The Trinidadian went in first.
After being seated he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he
had finished the meal the waiter came by with the check.
"But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted. The waiter was very
confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to
cause any trouble...he let the Trini leave.
Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the
restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was
finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for food.
"But I paid you!" The Barbadian shouted. This time the manager
came and had to calm down the Bajan, and as he did not want anything to
upset the other customers he let the Bajan go.
Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and
ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two Red Stripe beers.
After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal
and before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having
a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it. Other people like you
came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don't
remember getting any money from them, so........Before he could finish,
the Jamaican chimed in loudly "Hear mi nuh boss, that ah fi yu
problem...jus gimme mi change!"
Wanna Take It With Me
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his
money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more
than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife,
"Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it
in the casket with me, because I wanna take my money to the afterlife with
me."And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that
when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well,
one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished
the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,
the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"She had a box with her, she
came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers
locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
"Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there
with that man. "She said, "girl, I can't lie. I promised him
that I was going to put that money in that casket with him, and I'm a
woman of my word."You mean to tell me you put that money in the
casket with that man?"
" I sure did," said the wife. "'I wrote him a check."
Women Being More Assertive With Their Husbands At the
1997 World Women's conference
The first speaker from England stood up:"At last
years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.
Well, after the
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for
him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw
nothing. After the second day I saw nothing but after the third day I saw
that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last
year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer
do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first
day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third
day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as
well." The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Jamaica stood up: "Hafter last
year's conference me went 'ome and tell me 'usband that mi would no longer
do him cooking, cleaning or shoppin, and dat he would haffi do it imself.
Hafter the first day me see nothin. Hafter the second day, me see nothin
either. But hafter the third day, as the swelling went down, me could see
a likkle bit outta me left eye.
3 Questions
A Jamaican is at the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter: I have to ask you 3 questions before I can let you in.
Jamaican: No problem
St. Peter: Which day of the week begin with the letter "T"?
Jamaican: Today and tomorrow
St. Peter: Well, that wasn't really the answer I was looking for but I'll
give you the second question. How many seconds are there in a year?
Jamaican: 12
St. Peter: How did you arrive at 12?
Jamaican: 2nd of January, 2nd of Feb, 2nd of March, 2nd of
By now St. Peter is getting exasperated with this foo-fool Jamaican.
St. Peter: Final question now. What is the name of our Lord and Savior?
Jamaican: Andy
St. Peter: Good God man, don't you read your Bible?
Jamaican: Yes, but every time mi guh a church dem sing: Andy walks with
me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me that I am his own...
900 Jobs Inna Jeopardy
A man from "deep country" went to the Montego
Bay Airport, very hysterical, carrying his luggage, passport, and other
necessary items for travel. He anxiously asked the agent at the ticket
counter, (with thick Jamaican accent)" Do, sell me a ticket to
Jeopardy, ma'am." The agent looked confused. "Jeopardy, Sir?
Where is that?" The man got even more anxious & agitated.
"Mi nuh ha' time fi fool. Jus' sell mi a ticket to Jeopardy."The
agent looked through her map and other materials. "Sir, there is no
such place! Are you sure that's where you need to travel?"
The man lost his temper and slammed his fist on the counter. Look, 'ooman.
Mi seh mi nuh have time fi fool. Mi hear pon mi radio dis
mawning seh 900 jobs inna Jeopardy so ah de suh mi wan' fi go NOW!"
The Pastor and The Choir director
Church feuds are not uncommon. But when the pastor and choir director get
into it, stand aside. One week our pastor decided to
press his position by preaching on commitment, and how we should
dedicate ourselves to service.
That Sunday, the choir director led the choir in singing,
'I Shall Not Be Moved.'
The next Sunday, the pastor preached on giving and how we should gladly
give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus
Paid It All.
'The next Sunday, the pastor preached on gossiping and how we should watch
our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.
'The pastor became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he
told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang
'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'
After the pastor resigned the next week, he preached his last sermon at
the church telling the congregation that Jesus had led him there and Jesus
was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.
Barber Shop
A guy is walking along the sidewalk and comes to a
barbershop. He
sticks his head inside and asks, "How long before I can get a
haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The
guy
leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut? " The barber looks around
at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy
leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around
the
shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
The barber, intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend sitting in
the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see
where he goes." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop,
shaking his head, almost in unbelief.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did that guy go when he
left here?"
Bill looks up and with a slight hesitation in his voice and says,
"Over To Your House!"
